Challenges to Belonging During the Holidays

We are rapidly approaching the holiday season. This can be a wonderful time of reconnecting with friends and loved ones. But holidays can also be a time in which old hurts resurface and deep disappointments draw near. Holidays can present both blessings and challenges to a sense of community and belonging. So here are a few thoughts to consider as we approach the season ahead.

You might begin by becoming aware of what you are feeling. Recognize that those feelings are neither good nor bad. They are real and they come from somewhere. Although we may not be able to simply change our feelings, we can nurture other feelings as well. Try using the word “and” rather than “but.” It is possible to feel both anger AND love, hurt AND forgiveness, loneliness AND belonging. One does not exclude the other. Allow both to be true and valid. Accept where you currently are with kindness and forgiveness.

Remember that loneliness is not always a matter of being alone. In fact, some of the deepest loneliness can be felt while surrounded by others. Loneliness is found in the gap between expectation and experience. So, in addition to your feelings, you might pay attention to your expectations. Are you still expecting things to be as they were and feel the same as they did in the past? Situations change, people change, relationships change, and we have no doubt changed. Try to find something new, something more achievable, to hope for. And although it may still feel somehow “less than,” it may be the beginning of a new treasure.

Holidays can be a time when grief and loss can feel very close. Remembering those with whom we shared these special times, but are now gone, can fill us with sadness and longing. This is real and perhaps inevitable. But fostering a sense of gratitude for the treasured memories of what we had can help us to appreciate what we still have. Find someone else who loved them and share favorite stories. Remember that the grief still felt is the love still shared.

If you will not be gathering with family during the holidays, perhaps you can begin now to talk with friends (or even acquaintances) about what their plans are. You may find others who would welcome the opportunity to be together. Be brave! Invite them! Accept invitations! You may form new relationships that last well beyond the holidays. You might also join others in volunteering to serve meals or distribute gifts. Giving is almost always reciprocal.

Holidays can be emotionally challenging even in the best of situations, so take extra good care of yourself. Get good rest. Go for a walk. Visit places and engage in practices that feed you emotionally and spiritually.

And finally, if you are not yet involved in SI, then consider doing so. You will find here an amazing community of supportive and growing elders in which you belong.